Drew Pickles Goes to LEGO Island
by JohnnyLurg
Summary: Drew finds out the hard way that being a LEGO minifig isn't all fun and games.


Drew Pickles Goes to LEGO Island

On a Thanksgiving afternoon, Drew Pickles, his brother Stu, and their friend Howard were watching a football game at Stu's house while discussing the holiday.

"You know, when I traveled back in time to 1776, I found out that Benjamin Franklin wanted the national bird to be a turkey," said Drew. "The man was a genius. He knew that the eagle's reputation would later be soiled by Nazi Germany and Mexico."

"Mexico?" asked Stu. "I hate how conservative you've become lately. Your in-laws Howells must have brainwashed you."

"Where the hell is Chas?" wondered Drew.

"Chas is upstairs, watching nature documentaries," said Stu.

"You mean like _The Cosby Show_? Or _The Jeffersons_?" snickered Drew.

"This is where the party ends!" yelled Howard. "I can't sit here listening to you and your racist brother."

"Me? What did I do?" asked Stu.

"I know politics for you, but I feel like a hypocrite talking to you and your racist brother." Howard left the room. "YOWWWW!"

"What's the matter, did you step on Tommy's foreskin?" asked Drew, to Stu's chagrin.

"No! It's a little yellow plastic toy man (bawl)! A logo, I think they're called (cry). He's dressed like a prison convict with a black beanie, oww!" Howard exited the house, crying.

"You know, he makes us homosexuals look bad," said Drew. "But you'd never guess that he's almost as long as I am."

"I don't get how can you hate other minority groups so much and vote Republican," said Stu. "You're the hypocrite, not Howard."

"I didn't call Howard a hypocrite, he called himself one," argued Drew.

"Fuck you!" said Stu.

"Fuck you too!" said Drew. "You'd better pick up those LEGO pieces before Chas steps on another one and starts hating us too."

"YOWWWW!"

"Oh, speak of the devil," said Stu.

"You don't even believe in the devil, you Jew," said Drew.

"I'm still Christian!" said Stu. "I hope Chas is okay." Stu ran downstairs, where Chas was wailing on the floor.

"I should never (sob) have bought these toys for Chuckie (weep)! This is the fifteenth time this week (wail)! Look at this LEGO boy (howl)!" He picked up the LEGO minifig that he tripped on. "He looks like an innocent pizza delivery dude (pout)! How could he do such a poopy thing (narf)?"

"Don't worry," said Drew. "I'll consult with these heartless LEGO men myself, or my name isn't Andrew Louis Pickles!"

After Drew finished his extensive Black Friday shopping, he set off on a cruise ship for LEGO Island. However, once he arrived in front of the Information Center, he was promptly arrested by Captain Demetrius Rom of the LEGO Island Police Department.

"I didn't do anything illegal," said Drew.

"Oh yes you did," laughed Captain Rom. "You're a human being, and only LEGO minifigs are allowed on LEGO Island. I want my daughter Luna to be safe on this island, so human beings are strictly out of the question! You're going to jail!"

When Drew arrived in jail, he recognized his inmate as the same minifig that Howard had stepped on. "You're The Brickster, right? My daughter went through a LEGO phase."

"Please don't call me the Brickster, I hate that nickname. Please call me Brick Maldonado," said the prisoner. "You know, I've been in jail for a very long time. I'm the second oldest person on the island."

"Really? Who's the first?"

"Dr. Richard Brixton, Ph. D. He runs the Information Center and calls himself the Infomaniac, but I despise his nickname too."  
"That Captain Rom sure is a jerk, huh?" asked Drew.

"Tell me about it," said Brick Maldonado. "We used to have a good police captain, but he went through a major career change and became the banker."

"I'm a banker too," said Drew. "Well, an investment banker. I wonder if I know him."

"His name's Buck Pounds," said Brick Maldonado. "If you talk to him, maybe he'll have a change of heart and release us. I have a daughter of my own who I haven't seen in years. I think she's good friends with Captain Rom's daughter, and dates those disgusting LEGO Island skaters."

"Skaters? Like Pepper?" asked Drew.  
"Yeah, Pepper Roni. Adopted son of our token Italian couple, Giovanni and Francesca Brickolini. They own Brickolini's Pizzeria, home of the tastiest pizza on LEGO Island. Y'know, right about now, Pepper delivers a pizza to the jail."

Sure enough, Pepper Roni came by on his skateboard with a fresh jalapeno pizza, and Drew recognized him as the LEGO minifig that Chas had tripped over.

Brick Maldonado smiled at Pepper. "Hey Pepper, how's your brother Salt doing? But I kid. We've got a new inmate in LEGO Island Men's Colony, and he's a human being. Can you use your skills to make him a minifig?"

"I'm not sure, he doesn't look innocent to me," said Pepper.

"Damn skater kid! He's a friend of Buck Pounds!" yelled Brick.

"Oh, alright, but I hope I don't regret this later," said Pepper, and turned Drew Pickles into a LEGO minifig.

Drew looked at himself closely. His five-inch proboscis had entirely disappeared, and he lacked elbows. His stylish designer eyeglasses had been replaced with regular LEGO minifig sunglasses.

Feeling somewhat guilty, Pepper sped away on his skateboard after throwing his pizza into the greedy face of Brick Maldonado. Just as he was leaving, Officer Nick Brick arrived to release Drew.

"You're a lucky guy," Nick Brick told Drew.

"Wait!" yelled Brick Maldonado, finishing his pizza. "I didn't even get to have my way with him!"

Nick Brick rolled his brick eyes. "Don't listen to him. Minifig sex isn't all it's cut out for."

Drew gasped. He hurried into a restroom in the Octan gas station, where he unzipped himself and realized that his famous 2,000 light-year long penis had been replaced with a two-inch plastic chode. Hysterically, Drew fled from the gas station.

"That new brickeroo is downright weird," said Octan proprietor and country music sensation Nancy Nubbins (formerly Steven Nubbins) to her fiancé, unpopular mechanic Nubby Stevens.

"Not now, I'm philosophizing," said Nubby.

Drew approached Brickolini's Pizzeria.

"Ay, it's-a new-a customer-a!" exclaimed Francesca Brickolini. "Let-a me-a play-a welcoming-a song-a by-a Frank-a Sinatra on-a my-a piano-a!"

"And-a let-a me-a make-a him-a pizza he-a can-a not-a refuse-a!" laughed Giovanni Brickolini.

Pepper turned to his adoptive parents. "I saw that man in jail earlier," he whimpered.

"Pepper speaks the truth," Drew told the Brickolinis. "I am an illegal human being. Pepper, please turn me back into my normal state."

"Yeah sure," said Pepper, and attempted to turn Drew back into a human being, but he couldn't. "I guess my LEGO magic only works one way."

"Dammit!" yelled Drew. "Now I'm going to be stuck with only two inches for the rest of my life!"

Suddenly, the human Stu Pickles stepped on his LEGO brother Drew. "YOWWWW!"

Drew woke up in Chas Finster's bed, with Chas right next to him, rubbing his head.

"You were having a bad dream," said Chas. "No more Thanksgiving turkey for you, it's giving you nightmares."

"What else is there to eat on Thanksgiving, eagle? That's Commie food!" yelled Drew.

"Quiet, Drew. You'll wake the neighbors."  
"Oh yeah, you're right," said Drew. "I don't want Randy Carmichael coming out here with an AK-47." Drew touched himself and felt the same 2,000 light-years he was used to. And for now, he was happy.

Meanwhile, Brick Maldonado was getting impatient. "When is that square yuppie going to release me?" he asked. Then, Pepper Roni skateboarded up to the jail with another fresh jalapeno pizza. He was accompanied by his two girlfriends, Luna Rom and Sky Lane "Chick" Maldonado, Brick's seldom-seen daughter.

"Oh brother," snapped Brick, and drowned his sorrows in pizza.


End file.
